Facing Reality

Breaking the News to Cross and Crue

Cross and Crue were actually at the hospital when Cannon and Coyt passed away. We were lucky to have a good friend from Houston there to watch them in the lobby during Cannon's passing and then my niece was with them during Coyt's passing the following day. They never had the chance to meet their brothers. 

Cannon took his last tiny breath on Saturday night just before midnight and Cross and Crue had already fallen asleep. On Sunday morning we shared the news with them. We didn't shield them from the reality that he was very sick and the doctors weren't able to save him. He was in heaven now where there was no sickness. They seemed to understand. We told them that mommy and daddy were very sad and that they would probably see us crying, but in the midst of those tears we were also so happy that God was holding Cannon in His arms. Now we had to be strong and pray fervently for Coyt. His heart was sick and we wanted Jesus to heal it.

It wasn't but a few hours later that we had to have the same conversation after I "rocked Coyt to sleep". We shared with them that God needed them both. That He has big plans for them. It broke my heart when Cross and Crue both expressed sadness that they didn't get to meet them. Hospital policy wouldn't allow children under the age of 14 in the NICU and I never even thought to request an exception during these last moments. That is one thing I regret. Although, maybe it's best that they didn't see them. Sometimes as a parent you just don't know what's good or bad for your child. That's when we pray that God would guide us toward the good and away from the bad. I have to believe that He did that. 

Going Home

On the way home from Houston we got stuck behind a funeral procession for about 20 minutes and then I received a voicemail from an unknown person who was RSVPing for a baby shower. She clearly had the wrong number. Satan was already trying to stand in the way; he would love to see me crumble.  

Gary and I began to discuss the funeral arrangements for the boys. Part of me didn't want to do anything at all. I didn't want to feel that emptiness of realizing they weren't here. I didn't want to look at my closest friends and family and have nothing to say, just tears. 

Gary had great reasoning though. He wanted to take a traditional funeral service and turn it into a time of praise and worship. The closeness that we feel to Christ during worship is about as close as it gets here on earth. We have an amazing opportunity to celebrate the short, sweet lives of Cannon and Coyt while worshiping our Jesus who would be holding them in His arms in that intimate moment of worship. We decided to refer to their funeral as a "celebration of life". We had many decisions and arrangements to make throughout the week. The service was set for Saturday, January 11, 2014. This day was supposed to be special for another reason. A day to celebrate the upcoming arrival of the Ohmstede twins. January 11th was the day we had chosen for their baby shower. 

When we got home (6 hrs later) to Wichita Falls, the reality that my pregnancy was over hit me. When I last left home we were headed to Plano to check on the boys and purchase their nursery furniture. I was so very full of hope and excitement. When we returned on this night I had nothing left inside of me. No hope, no excitement. 

I got out of the car to see my brother standing there. I lost it and he hugged me. He said "y'all have touched so many people's lives." It was then that I thought to myself- God, if that's true and this was all an effort to reach others for your kingdom, then I praise you for it. But why did You choose me? And why does Your perfect will hurt so deeply? Please just take the pain away. 

I was encouraged by my brothers words, but selfishly wished it wasn't me that God was using. When thoughts like this would cross my mind, and when I took them straight to God, He would give me an overwhelming sense of peace. As if to say, "Angie, it is you that I have chosen, and you are strong enough." 

I still loved my Heavenly Father and trusted His plan, but He knows I'm walking through a valley and He also knows that I'm going to question Him. It's okay to tell Him when your sad, scared, angry, unsure, etc. 1 Peter 5 talks about casting your cares upon Him. He wants to bare your burdens for you. The best part about this passage is verse 10 "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

Planning the Celebration

We had several things to take care of for the service. My brother and Gary's dad came along with us. I didn't realize how much we would need their support on this day. They didn't have to say anything; they were just there. Sometimes that's all a person needs. 

We met with the funeral director to write the obituary and choose a casket. We chose to bury them together. God had already made it clear that these two little guys belong with each other. The funeral home had the perfect little white casket, just as I had envisioned. It was oh so very small. To think that they were both tiny enough to fit inside it broke my heart again. A lady took us out to see the plot we would be purchasing. It was close to the road and on a corner. I guess that was a good thing. To be brutally honest, I didn't care in the least. I was forced into having to make these decisions that no mommy wants to make. Lord, here I go again. A moment of weakness. Please give me strength to make it through this day. 

We then had to have a headstone created. The lady we met with was so helpful. It was comforting to us that during this time spent choosing the layout of the headstone, God had given us strength to hold it together. We even joked about choosing an OU logo or a crimson colored stone. It felt good to smile and feel alive with a little laughter. But the lady helping us became emotional toward the end. She was sad that we had lost our babies and had to excuse herself to get a box of tissues. Neither one of us knew what to do. We felt awkward for not having any tears to shed. God had given us grace so we could see that Cannon and Coyt had touched her heart. She didn't cry because we were crying or trying to hold back the tears. The short life of our boys had made an impact on the life of this stranger. 

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Gary and I wanted to wrap Cannon and Coyt in a special blanket. Cross and Crue both have a light blue blanket that they have cherished since they were infants. It's satin on one side and soft minky on the other side. Dillard's had the exact blanket, but in white. It was perfect for the twins.

A friend had shared a wonderful idea. We took Cross and Crue to a local children's store to pick out something to give Coyt and Cannon. We would place it in the casket with them. We didn't place limits on what they could choose, whether it be a toy, stuffed animal, blankie...anything. It was so sweet how much thought they put into it. We had told them each to choose one thing. Cross found a light blue soft puppy that had a rattle inside it. He began to show tearful emotion when he insisted that he buy two of them so that Cannon and Coyt could each have their own. Of course, we let him purchase two. My heart was hurting for Cross' sadness. Crue decided on a rainbow striped sock monkey. He wanted Cannon and Coyt to share only one. Cross and Crue's personalities were so evident in the item they chose (one a sweet puppy, the other a colorful monkey). We then purchased an extra puppy and monkey for Cross and Crue to keep so they would always remember their gift to their Brothers.

The night before the funeral we went to the funeral home to see the display. We chose to do closed-casket and not have a viewing. We wanted to remember them the way we held them. We took Cross and Crue with us in an effort to prepare them for the funeral and answer any questions they might have. I held it together pretty well during this time. I think I was numb to the thought that my babies were in that little white box. 

The set-up was beautiful. The flowers sent by close friends and family were perfect. We had chosen blue, lime green and yellow flowers for the casket. We sat down with Cross and Crue on a couch in the room and read a book to them that explains the process of death and funerals on a child's level. They really didn't have many questions. Though, I knew they would come at probably the most random times.

The Celebration of Cannon Ray and Coyt Ryder

I knew this would be the second hardest day of my life. How could it be possible that this was happening to me...to my sweet, innocent children? All I know is that God has big plans for Cannon and Coyt...and he chose Gary and I to be a part of those plans. Boy, if we only knew what those plans were...it would be a lot easier to understand. In the meantime, God is shaping us like never before. 

I'm reminded of the lyrics to Give Me Faith by Elevation Worship: 

Give me faith to trust what you say. 

That you're good and your love is great. 

I'm broken inside; I give you my life. 

All I am, I surrender.

I needed God in this moment to give me the strength that no parent has in attending the funeral of their infant children. 

The morning of the funeral was very hard. I didn't want to get ready, thinking I could prolong the inevitable. I was nervous about seeing people and everyone staring at me, waiting for me to lose it. My prayer was for God to give me more strength and a peace that would get me through the next few hours. I felt very strong during the family lunch. It wasn't until we walked into the sanctuary that I fell apart. I clung to Gary and just cried "no, I can't". But he held me and we made it through. The service was perfect. The worship, the message, the speakers and the band that led worship- so perfect. The songs we chose for worship still play over and over in my mind. They are so fitting for what I'm feeling. Cornerstone by Hillsong, Give me Faith by Elevation Worship, and God is Able by Hillsong. We then chose The Sun is Rising by Britt Nicole as our song for what we were facing with the loss of our babies. There is something amazing about putting scripture to music. For me it is comforting; It is healing. 

Each of us wrote a letter to Cannon and Coyt that was read aloud at the celebration. The letter for me was very difficult to write. I didn't know what to say. I had started over many times until one night I just opened my heart and let the words hit the paper: 

My sweet baby boys, 

My love for you began long ago- and then it doubled when we found out you were twins. Cross and Crue were thrilled that they would have TWO baby brothers. Everyday I would drop Cross and Crue off at school and they would lean over the front seat to hug my growing belly and tell you, "Bye Coyt and Cannon! Keep growing in there. Were gonna play on the playground today!". They love you so very much.  

At the beginning of this journey, my prayers began for you. That God would protect you in the womb and mold me to be the best mommy that I could be for you. I remember thanking God for the privilege of being your mommy early on and reminding Him that I understood you belong to Him. Little did I know, He was preparing me to FULLY believe that. To be honest, I kind of hoped that my being obedient in saying "Lord, they are your babies, they never were mine", that He would say "Angie, you passed my test of faith and trust and now I give them back to you." That didn't happen. He had bigger and better plans for you than for you to have to endure the pain and suffering of this world. I know I would have been a good mommy and your daddy would have been the best daddy, but you are in the best hands with our Heavenly Father.  

My greatest memory of you both was pressing my pinky finger into the palm of your tiny hand. Your hand was too tiny to wrap around my finger, but the second I would try to pull away you would follow my finger as if to say "don't let go". You knew mommy was there. Know that I will always cherish the hours we had with you. God used you to teach us how to love deeper, how to pray without ceasing, how to have hope in times of darkness, and much more. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. Love, Mommy.

Cross and Crue's letters each reflected their personalities. Cross is very short, sweet, and to the point. Crue is more playful and full of words.

Cannon and Coyt,

I'm glad that y'all are in heaven. Y'all have fun. Goodbye. I miss you.

Your Big Brother, Cross.

Dear Cannon and Coyt,

I'm glad you're in heaven and not sick anymore. If you were here, we would teach you to not throw toys, not kick, and not punch. We would teach you how to love Jesus. We miss you everyday and we love you everyday. 

Love, Crue.

Gary's letter was the perfect letter from a daddy to his boys. He combined his deep love as a father with just the right amount of humor. It was perfect. 

Dear Cannon & Coyt 

First & foremost I want y'all to know that I love you. I've always loved you. From the moment your mom & I thought there was just one of you only to be blessed to find out that both of y'all would be a part of our lives. We sure are going to miss you guys. I think of all you could have been and done in life, and it saddens me. However, I know that you are everything God made you to be! I am reminded of your mom & I talking about the fact that y'all are Gods children & from the beginning y'all would always be His. We are sad that we don't get to help you learn about the important things in life like walking, riding a bike, playing catch or how to throw a ball, late night cookies & milk snacks with mom or dad, talking about the birds & the bees, explaining why that girl makes you feel like your gonna pass out, teaching you how to drive, talking to me about that one girl who you think is the one, telling you I'm proud of you, telling you I love you & hearing you say it back, and most importantly, how to be an OU fan & cheer them on wether they're losing or winning championships. Just kidding they're always good!! Ha. I can tell you boys that honestly what I'm going to miss the most is the opportunity to teach you about Christ and see you grow up loving Jesus. But the best part of today is that I know you already beat me to that... You get to see Jesus face to face and praise the one who blessed us with y'all even for this short time. Daddy is jealous that you get to be up there aggravating Peter & Paul by shooting water balloons at somebody's mansion. Ha! 

Cannon & Coyt know this:

Daddy loves you & will always love you! I can't wait to see you again! 

Your Dad 

At the end of the service, we chose to be escorted out first. As much as I wanted so badly to hug the neck of each person there, I just couldn't handle it emotionally and physically I couldn't stand for very long.

We had a private graveside service for the family. This went better than I thought it would. I thought I wouldn't be able to handle the finality of it all. It was over; I was burying my children. Instead, I had complete peace and comfort in knowing that my boys weren't in that little white casket. Sure, their sweet, tiny bodies were; but they were in heaven. They were resting in the arms of their creator. And I have the promise of seeing them again! What a glorious day that will be.   

Moving Forward

What has helped me get through this time is the love of my family and close friends. It's like they know when to text, when to be there, and even when to be distant. More importantly, Gary has been my rock. God has used him to minister to me as the most supportive and Godly husband I could've ever asked for. For the first few weeks (and even still), he never left my side and I wouldn't have it any other way. We will never go back to what life was before Cannon and Coyt. We are creating a new normal for our family.

Cross and Crue have handled their loss pretty well overall. They both will periodically say how they miss them or wish they could have met them. Cross doesn't show much emotion but has insisted on sleeping each night with the puppy he chose for their casket. Crue has woken up during the night a few times sobbing because he wished they were here. He's our emotional one, and my protector. He must have some sort of radar because the minute a tear begins to roll down my cheek he will come out of nowhere to give me a hug. Then he hollars, "Bubba! Mommy's crying!" And it turns into a family hug. That's the best medicine for a broken heart. I am so blessed as a mommy to have such a loving house full of boys who want to protect my heart.

After everything we endured for Cannon and Coyt, I have a completely different attitude when it comes to being a mommy. Cross and Crue are God's children and I should be mindful of the way I treat His children. My focus is on having more patience and a softer voice for them. When they ask for a piece of chocolate right before dinner- why not? Every now and then won't hurt. Or they want to play basketball when it's cold outside- just bundle them up! Even getting rowdy in the middle of the living room- enjoy the laughter and turn off the tv! I also think twice before raising my voice to them. Kids become fearful when they are yelled at. I don't want my boys to be afraid of me. I want them to trust me and love me during the difficult times. That doesn't mean we don't discipline them, but it does mean that when we do, it's in a way that glorifies God. 

I don't know where this road is leading us, but I do know that the One who is in control is worthy of our praise. We're gonna make it.

{Future posts: Life after Loss}