Life After Loss

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I can't begin to list the many thoughts and worries that went through my mind after losing Coyt and Cannon. In my 32 years, I had never experienced tragedy. 

I wanted to know answers to questions that I couldn't find on Google. When am I supposed to go back to work? When is it okay to laugh? To smile? To live? When will I feel whole again? And why was the answer to my prayer and the prayer of so many others "no"? They were just tiny little babies… 

I was faced with a lot of anxiety in trying to figure out how to live again. I wanted to know how other mothers in my situation managed. I'm not kidding when I say I googled those things- I Google everything. I found very few scenarios that helped. The truth was, everyone's situation is different.   

For at least the first four weeks, mornings were extremely hard. I would wake up in severe pain from the incision which would remind me of what my body had been through for my babies- the babies I no longer had. 

But on the upside, each time I found myself in a moment of extreme weakness or pain, I would cry out to God, ultimately drawing closer to Him. Sometimes it was "God, why", or "God, I can't do this." Many times it was "Lord, I need you", and I even remember weeping as I would say "Thank you, God." 

Believe it or not, in the midst of the pain and sadness, I had so much to be thankful for. 

I was thankful that Cannon and Coyt had left behind a legacy of bringing so many people to their knees in prayer; including their mommy and daddy. Some had told us they had never prayed before. And some, who were known as "prayer warriors", shared that even their prayer lives had been dramatically changed.

I was thankful for the doctors and nurses we had the privilege of meeting who wanted nothing more than to save our babies, and did everything in their power to do so. 

I was so very thankful for the outpouring of love in the form of prayers, meals, cards, financial support, etc. 

You might think I'm crazy or wonder how in the world I could have an "attitude of gratitude" during such a trying time. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 

Being grateful in a difficult time motivates you to seek out His purpose in those circumstances. And it reminds us that we aren't here to fulfill OUR will, but God's. 

It's never easy to truly know what God's will is. It'd be great to receive an email from Him with a job offer that includes the job description!

Mine might look something like this: 

Job Title: Mommy of Twin Boys

Duties and Responsibilities: To carry identical twin boys to 26 weeks gestation. Love them, choose the perfect names for them, feel their every movement & hiccup... But understand that they are only there for MY purpose. Endure temporary pain and suffering as you draw closer to me to find your strength. Trust me and the doctors I place in your path to guide you as I work miracles to keep these babies alive in the womb. Experience a peace and comfort like never before as I prepare you to give them back to me. 

If we knew ahead of time what God's plan involved, we probably wouldn't accept the job (His will). 

The small things were often the most difficult to overcome…

I had a closet FULL of maternity clothes. Gary pulled my "pre-pregnancy" clothes out of the garage so I could make the switch. It seems so trivial, but this was so hard. As I pulled each piece of clothing off of the hanger, I thought about the last time I had worn it- remembering how my baby bump had once filled it out. Some of my maternity clothes still had tags on them. I never did get to wear them. I felt so robbed of my pregnancy experience. "One day", I told myself…"one day I will wear them again".

Preparing to go back to work was nothing short of overwhelming. I'm the Executive Assistant to the President and also the HR Director at a credit union of 50 employees. I love my job and the people around me. I love listening to employees vent and helping them find solutions in difficult situations. I love serving others. But how in the world am I supposed to be their shoulder to lean on when I can't even pull myself together? When the tearful moments come for me, they come on quick and often heavy. What if it happens in the next manager's meeting, or the next staff meeting while standing in front of everyone... What if I run into a member or vendor who asks about the twins, having no clue what happened... 

If work is a place that I love so dearly, then why is it so difficult for me to jump back into it? I just needed a little time. And that's okay. For me, my body had been through 5 procedures in 30 days including the emergency c-section. So physically, there was some healing and resting to be had. I had to face the hard reality that I was basically on maternity leave for 8 weeks and had no babies to take care of.

If I could give you two pieces of advice when returning to work after infant loss, it would be: First, start back slowly; half days if possible. I knew I wouldn't make it through an entire work day without a breakdown. Second, don't drive yourself to work on the first day back. I had a dear friend/co-worker offer to pick me up for the first few days. You have no idea how greatly that eased my anxious mind. 

"Firsts" were extremely hard, and I believe they will continue to be- but it does get easier.

The first time I saw Dr. Lamar was difficult, but not because we didn't want to see him. It was because we knew how much he cared about our babies and our well-being that made it hard. If he wouldn't have caught the TTTS when he did, we never would have had the opportunity to hold our boys. 

Receiving the first stack of EOB's from our health insurance company was hard to swallow. To see Coyt and Cannon's name listed with the hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical expenses would have been easier to read if I were holding those boys. I would've tossed the EOBs aside and said, "It was worth it". It felt impossible to think that way now. 

Our first visit to the cemetery- it was supposed to be difficult, and it was. This was something that we hadn't been able to do until about 6 weeks after the funeral. I felt so guilty for not being able to, but I just couldn't. 

We took Cross and Crue to pick out a flower to place on their grave. It was a gorgeous day for February. Sunny and warm with very little wind. I remember standing there, unable to move or speak. Just tears. Cross and Crue positioned their flowers perfectly. They got bored and began to wonder around. 

At one point Cross came back over and stood between Gary and I. He said "Let's have prayer". This wasn't like Cross; Crue was always the one who wanted to pray. Of course we did, and it was a very special moment. 

A little bit later, after the boys had wondered off again, I noticed Cross sitting on a log on the other side of the "Garden of Angels". I guess my mommy instincts kicked in- I could sense that something was going on. I walked over to sit beside him and asked him what he was thinking about. 

He looked up at me and said "I just wanna see Cannon and Coyt". I tried to be strong and hold back my tears, but I couldn't. He leaned against me as I said "me too, sweet boy".

He had been fiddling with the grass and leaves at his feet. He showed me a leaf sitting in the palm of his hand and said, "this was my heart". As he crumbled the leaf into tiny pieces he said, "now it's broken". I sat there with him as he profoundly expressed more emotion in that 10 minutes than he had in his 6 years of life. It didn't seem fair that he had to face so much pain at such a young age. I would do anything to take that away. 

We will continue to visit the cemetery together as a family. It is part of our healing process and something very special to us. 

Grief Counseling

We didn't jump right into any kind of counseling. For me, I didn't feel like I needed it yet. Of course I was grieving, but I didn't feel completely out of control with my emotions. As long as I was with Gary, Cross and Crue, I felt good. It is still so hard for me to be apart from them.

Going to grief counseling was a way for us to ensure we were in a normal place in our grieving process (as normal as you can get anyway). I wanted to ensure we protected our marriage and our relationships with Cross and Crue. 

We met with our pastor who encouraged us and shed some light in areas where we hadn't stepped into yet. I walked away with three key things: 

1. Don't let your sadness keep you from rejoicing in your friends' blessings. Serving others can be helpful in the healing process.
2. When you're trying to figure out what the lesson could be: It may not be that God is trying to teach you a lesson; He may just be fundamentally transforming your life. 
3. Don't place so much focus on what you've lost that you miss out on what you've been given. God's blessings still abound, even in the midst of tragedy.

A sweet friend told me it's okay to be sad, and it's okay to be okay. At first, it was hard to want to be happy and have normal conversations. I was afraid to move on…afraid that I would forget about Cannon and Coyt. 

For now, I feel like I'm making it. God has placed people in my life to walk alongside me. Dear friends have sent precious gifts in memory of Cannon and Coyt. We have dedicated an entire wall and several shelves in our home to keep the memory of our little guys alive. We talk about them often and in our prayers at night we ask Jesus to "give them big hugs" for us. Each gift, text, or card I receive always comes when I need it most.

God gave me more than I ever thought I could handle when He sent me down this path. But this path has taught me how to love deeper, how to pray without ceasing, and how to have hope in times of darkness. God is good, all the time. 

For the LORD is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations. Psalm 100:5