Bent - But Not Broken

Today is Cannon and Coyt's 1st Birthday in heaven. 

It's hard to believe that it's been one year since we met our tiny twins. What an amazing year of experiencing God's love, comfort, healing, and grace. If this is your first time to read my blog, my first blog will explain that we were pregnant with twin boys in 2013, diagnosed with TTTS (Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome) on December 5, 2013, then three fetal surgeries plus an emergency c-section later we delivered our babies at 26 weeks gestation on January 3, 2014. Within about 36 hours we held our babies one at a time and cried as they fell asleep in our arms, only to awake in the arms of Jesus. In that moment, they were alive and whole. Happy and not hurting. They were made perfect. 

While we endured a loss that no parent would anticipate, we gained so much in the process. After Cannon and Coyt went to be with Jesus, Gary and I decided immediately that we were not going to let this tragedy drive a wedge between us. Our family slogan became "we're gonna make it", and we focused on Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." 

Although I had the endless support of family and friends, I was so fearful of living a life of brokenness. I wanted God to carry me through this, I wanted to grow closer to Him, and I wanted it to be easy. 

It hasn't exactly been easy, but amazing things began to happen as we intentionally sought the will of God for our lives. We truly were 'searching for Him with all of our hearts', as the scripture says. I realized that in order to grow closer to God, I had to experience brokenness. And I learned quickly that the more I searched for Him, the less broken I was. 

I really don't have the perfect words to describe what we've been through. But I can tell you that there's no place I'd rather be than in the center of God's will. Only there do we feel safe. That's where you will find a peace that surpasses all understanding. 

As we celebrate their birth today, I cry because I selfishly want them here to eat cake for the first time and to open presents- even though all they would really want is the box their gifts came in! I didn't realize how hard this would be until I realized I wouldn't get the chance to say "Happy Birthday!" when they woke up this morning. Birthdays have always been fun in our home.  

I wasn't sure how to celebrate their Birthday. I admitted to Gary that this is the first time I haven't been able to find joy in something. That made me bitter. I'm a pretty joyful person who doesn't hold grudges, loves people regardless of their faults (because I have plenty of my own!), and whose greatest weakness is the fear of disappointing others. But to plan a 1st birthday celebration for my babies without them here to celebrate was hard to find joyful. 

Through my husband's words of encouragement, I realized there is so much joy simply in the fact that they aren't living a low quality of life in this broken world. They are living the ultimate life in heaven with our savior. In that, I do find joy. How we celebrate them here on earth doesn't matter. It's how we face this journey we are walking and strive to glorify God through it. There is so much joy in living a life with Christ! 

As we move forward, we look back over the past year and have so much to praise God for:

- Gary was presented with an opportunity to serve as Campus Pastor for a new satellite campus at our church. We've met some amazing people who bring so much encouragement and love to our family. We've also had the opportunity to minister to others who have faced similar valleys.

- I graduated with the Award of Excellence from a CU Management School at TCU. I was determined to push through and finish strong, but I never thought I would receive such an honor!

- And...we are expecting a baby girl in February, Ruby Claire Ohmstede. This has been a very bittersweet pregnancy. One that will have a blog of its own soon. We are SO excited to welcome Ruby into this world, but I won't feel so sure of it until she arrives and I'm holding her in my arms. I truly long for that moment.

God is so good and faithful when you fully trust in Him. 

I still face difficult days: baby showers, twin births, being apart from my family, planning for Ruby's arrival, etc., but overall I can truly say with confidence that I'm doing well. 

We may be bent, but we're not broken. We are blessed!