Two+ Years and Counting

So often I wish we could have altered Gods plan to favor our selfish desire to live a life here on earth with our twin boys, Cannon and Coyt. I mean, our plan was pretty amazing. We had figured out child care, double crib arrangement (in a tiny bedroom!), and car seat solutions for four kids in a Hyundai Sonata.  Aleready having two boys, we were well on our way to having our own basketball team. Our plan was written into my Erin Condrin planner...in marker. It was permanent. 

And then my perfect plan was permanently erased when God revealed to us a new plan. His plan. A plan to prosper us. Not to harm us. He said, "I'm going to alter your plans so that I can shine brighter than the brightest star as you cling to me for Hope, comfort, wisdom and healing. I'm going to use your boys, who belong to me, to bring people to their knees as they pray (some for the very first time). And while I'm at it, I think I'll remind you how important your marriage is so that your love will endure this hardship. And you will grow to love your husband even more."

I still from time to time think to myself that I didn't pray hard enough. Or if I would have held them longer, or thought to do skin-to-skin, could we have seen a miraculous healing take place before our eyes as their hearts began beating and they took independent breaths. We hear and read those stories all the time. I wanted that to be our story. These thoughts are not placed in my head from a mighty God who loves me. The enemy wants me to think this way- to feel guilty, as if I could have physically done something to save the lives of my children. 

I've coasted for 2+ years somewhat numb to the pages of this story, waiting for the happy ending that brings a person to the "ah-ha" moment. The truth is, our story doesn't end. And my story keeps getting better as we move one day closer to holding our sweet boys again in heaven. God has brought people into our lives that I know wouldn't be here if our path was any different. The support continues, even 2 years later. My fear has always been that everyone else would move on and I'd be left to deal with this loss on my own. And every so often, that's exactly how I feel. If you're reading this and you know someone who has lost a child (even if it has been YEARS), reach out to them. I promise you, they haven't forgotten their loss. And they are comforted when they see that someone else hasn't either. I say this realizing that I too need to do a better job of this. 

I was emotionally blind to the possibility of true happiness without Cannon and Coyt. You hear this ALL the time if you've spent any amount of time in the church...True happiness is there, waiting for you to reach out and accept it. True happiness isn't our families or jobs. It's not what vacation spot you're able to afford or the size of the mortgage payment you can swing with whatever salary you feel entitled to. True happiness is in Christ. And because of Christ I am truly happy with where God has us. 

I write this to simply give an update on where I am on this journey called life. Some have reached out to ask if I was planning to continue my blog...I just haven't had time. And I worry too much about what to say. So this one was just my thoughts in this moment. It's not polished or organized, just plain raw. 

My favorite verse right now:

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. -John 16:33